Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.