Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Grandmother clock.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%