1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage