Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
You Might Also Like
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“That’s what” – She
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The cashier just checked me out.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??