I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
This is why I hate group projects
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary