My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock