Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*