I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.