My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family