Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.