“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps