You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size