I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
You Might Also Like
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Okay me first
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.