[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
You Might Also Like
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me after drinking all the wine:
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
gentlemen, hear me out
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.