I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me sliding into hell like
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
He wanted to make sure😂