Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this