I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.