[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?