me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
reduce, reuse, recycle