Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.