“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
#polloftheday
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.