if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I love twitter
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.