[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I just tested negative for patience.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.