If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
No Google it does not
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Living the best life.. 😊