Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.