I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Baller is short for ballerina
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
They did not miss in the small print
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.