I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
You Might Also Like
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
can’t bark with your mouth full
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My love language is hissing.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.