When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My neck, my back, my…
the three genders
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.