My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Nice try, poison.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner