Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]