My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that