Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.