Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
#oldknees
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.