Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda