My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.