ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol