Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.