– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The answer is funnier than the question
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.