whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
You Might Also Like
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.