I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.