December birthdays be like…
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Google assistant rules
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds