Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I cannot stop laughing at this