[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”