Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
You Might Also Like
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
North and South
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?