Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
*seductively eats two tums*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?