Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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A new level of troll.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad