[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Planet of the Apps.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: