This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
You Might Also Like
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
im all 3
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
a public service announcement
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags