Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
That eye roll….
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.