Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?